Anorexia Nervosa: What it is & What it did for me

According to the National Eating Disorder Association, “anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by weight loss (or lack of appropriate weight gain in growing children); difficulties maintaining an appropriate bodyweight for height, age, and stature; and, in many individuals, distorted body image, [and intense fear of gaining weight].”

My brain held tight to the distorted body image. I was small and underweight since I was born and got it in my head that’s how I was supposed to be. Skinny. Skinny meant underweight to me. That’s how everyone knew me. That’s what I thought they expected from me. I knew eating more would mean I’d gain weight. Gaining weight scared me. I knew I was already underweight, but I was doing fine at that weight, so why would I have to change. I was getting my period regularly so I was healthy. 

I was pretty active in sports growing up, which looking back now I think helped me keep weight off without it seeming like an issue. It was normal. Especially in high school, during volleyball season. In the winter and spring I’d probably gain back a few pounds. But I was still underweight. I used to joke that I would only break 100lbs once I was pregnant at full term. (In my head, that was the only time that seemed reasonable for me to be at that weight).

There are many factors that can play a part in someone who has anorexia (or any other eating disorder). It is never just one thing. Our society fixates on women and men have skinny, fit bodies. Skinnier means beautiful. Unfortunately, we see that idea being rewarded constantly in the media and just by the people around us. There is also a genetic component to eating disorders, like all mental health disorders. If you have a blood relative who has struggled with an eating disorder (and it was also a because of the genetic component), that gene can be passed down to the next generation. How often this happens, I have no idea. I don’t know if that was a factor for me. I don’t have medical records from my birth parents, so I don’t know if that was something that could’ve been passed down to me. I like to think it wasn’t. Trauma can be a huge component to someone with an eating disorder. Eating disorders give people a sense of control. Anorexia gave me a sense of control. At times, especially when I was younger, I didn’t know exactly why I was restricting myself from food it just made sense. Eating is something we do every day. Probably one of the easiest things to manipulate and control. When something traumatic happens to you, you’ll do whatever you can to find a sense of control. Some people go to drugs, alcohol, obsessing over something; I went to anorexia. It seemed the safest, easiest at times to hide, and allowed me to numb out from my depression and anxiety.

Eating disorder behaviors are addictive. Anorexia is an addiction to doing behaviors that can cause you to lose weight, eat restrictively, purge, excessively exercise, count calories, and many other behaviors. I got a “high” off of it. I would weigh myself multiple times a day to make sure I didn’t gain any weight. I would get excited when I didn’t. I would get excited when the number on my scale got lower and lower. It became my focus. It’s was in the back of my mind everywhere I went. I check myself out in mirrors to see if I look too big. Of course the eating disorder part of the brain, the distorted body image part of my brain wants me to think that I am. So I would restrict even more. I used to restrict all day and then eat dinner. It gave me a sense of pride that I could have the self-discipline to restrict all day, when I would see others eating throughout the day. It seemed like the only thing I could accomplish and control. It made sense.