Why Is It So Hard To Eat?

“Why is it so hard to eat?” I ask myself almost daily.

“Why can’t I just eat without having a fight with my self?”

“Why do I even have to eat?”

“Why can’t my brain be fully on my side?”

It’s exhausting to be fighting with myself daily. And lately, I’ve just stopped fighting with myself. It’s too hard. Physically eating is too hard. Looking at portion sizes of food is too hard. Seeing other people eat normally annoys me. Having people talk about food with me is frustrating. Arguing with close friends & my team about eating and not eating is infuriating.

Some days I wish I could go back to when people didn’t know. It was just me & my eating disorder. No one to keep me accountable and question my behaviors. Obviously I know that’s not a good place to be, but it seems easier.

I feel bad arguing with my friends & my team.. I don’t want to fight them, because logically I know what they’re suggesting and encouraging is for the best. But it’s not easy.. eating is just too damn hard right now.

I know it’s not about the food.. I know that. I know that me regressing into old behaviors isn’t fun for the people in my life. I know that if I’m being pushed too much by them, it only further pushes me into my disorder. I know that this isn’t going to change over night. I know I need to get some traction and switch the flip in my brain.

But I still go back to the question… “Why is eating so damn hard?”

3 years ago today, I went into residential treatment. I didn’t know what to expect. But I remember starting to understand that eating was so hard. It stressed me out so much. I remember my first meal in residential and I was told I had to eat it all with in a certain time frame. I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten a whole meal. It was terrifying. Daunting. And seemed impossible. Yet, I did it. And continued to while in residential. It seemed less hard as time went on there. I started feeling hungry when it was time to eat. It seemed less scary.

But now.. it feels like I’ve lost that momentum completely. Eating meals feels terrifying again. Gaining weight stresses me out. When my clothes get too tight, I freak out. I feel like I’m not much different than I was 3 years ago. I’ve gone backwards. And that’s disappointing.

I know it’ll get better in time.. and easier again. Just now it’s hard.. and I’m not a fan.