Home For A Year

A year ago I woke up on a rainy morning in Eugene, ready to go home from my partial hospitalization program (php). I hadn’t been home for 4 long months. I am grateful for my parents who came to visit me most weekends and brought my dog. I know it wasn’t an easy 4 months for them either. As excited as I was to go home, I was also terrified. Transitions are never easy, for anyone. However, I knew I was going back to an incredible outpatient team and incredibly supportive family and friends who have helped me a lot in the past year.

One thing I’ve realized a lot after being home for a year is that while higher level of care was vital for me and necessary for me to stay alive, it didn’t prepare me in regular life like I expected it to. In residential you’re basically isolated from the outside world to focus on yourself which is important for breaking the ice on why you have an eating disorder and restoring weight. Php starts to help you get reintegrated back into your life. However, for me I didn’t live in Eugene. My life was back in Bend. So I felt like php only helped me adjust to life outside of a residential facility, and not prepare me for life back at home. So when I went home, I felt like I was given a false sense of security because I was hit with my real reality. Not treatment reality anymore.

They (the therapists) say the first year out of higher level of care will be one of the hardest. They got that right. Obviously it is easier to eat when you’re “forced” to 6 times a day in residential. On my own, way more difficult (even in php). Also life gets busy and it’s difficult to make the time to eat that many times. Especially when I still don’t get hunger and fullness cues regularly.

In the year I have been home, there have been high moments when I’ve been able to maintain my weight for a few weeks at a time, but for the most part it is a constant battle of trying to maintain for one week. This isn’t to say every week is a terrible week. Or every day is a terrible day and I’m restricting heavily. I’ll have days (sometimes most of the week) where I do really well with eating and following my meal plan. Yet there is still always at least one day that is difficult which unfortunately alters my weight. While it isn’t all about the food and weight, for insurance purposes and body purposes, it is.

At the beginning of the year when I got back, I was with a different therapist and was involved in an eating disorder focused group with her. We weren’t the best fit, and half way through the year I changed and am now with a therapist who is an amazing fit for me and works well with my treatment team. I am now doing a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) group that she runs which I enjoy more because it’s practical and I don’t have to talk about my feelings in front of a group. So that’s always a plus.

Am I where I thought I would be a year later? No. Is that okay? It’s going to have to be. Am I still willing to work at it even though it’s hard? Most days. Some days honestly seem impossible and I don’t always know why which is frustrating. Or I start “shoulding” on myself. I “should” be farther along than I am. Or I “shouldn’t” be affected by x, y, and z. That obviously gets me nowhere.

I have been really lucky though to have an incredible treatment team, who calls me out on my bullshit, but also can remind me of how far I’ve come, and encourage me to keep moving forward after I take a few steps back. Parents who have listened to me and are willing to continue to do family therapy with me. A mom who’s office I have cried in after an appointment that didn’t go the way I wished. Siblings who I can call to distract myself to get a few moments of relief from what’s going on inside my head. Friends who have been my middle of the night call or text because I’m freaking out or who have helped me when I have opened up and I tell them that I’m struggling. I know I haven’t made it easy on both my family and friends. My hope is that they know I appreciate them more than I could ever express. As much as I want to be able to get better on my own, I know I can’t do it without the people in my life, so thank you.

Here’s to 2020, another year to work on my recovery.