I’ve been home for almost a full year from a higher level of care. Super weird to think about. Every month that goes by, I can’t help but wonder how soon am I going to have to go back? While I understand that the recovery process is not linear, it feels to me in ways going downward in a linear way. They say the first year getting out of residential and php will be the hardest. They’re not wrong. First there’s the adjustment back into like regular life. Then life just happens.
I feel like (gross, feelings ha), since I’ve been home I’m always waiting for my treatment team to just say, alright it’s time to go back to a higher level of care. It’s been a topic of conversation since after the first month of me being home. Looking into different treatment centers, looking at different options, and me fighting myself to keep myself out of going back to a higher level of care. I don’t want to go back.
Honestly. If I had it my way, I would wait until I got as bad as it did when I first went in. Not saying that’s what I want, because I definitely don’t. But I don’t think I’d be willing (at least right now) to go back to a higher level of care until things got that bad. What I mean by that is, I would have to be passing out, my weight would have to be incredibly low, my levels would have to be completely off, my brain would go offline because of lack of food intake, etc.
Currently, things are going fairly well. My levels are good, my brain isn’t going offline, and I haven’t passed out in over a year. The only worry that my treatment team has is the steady drop in my weight since I’ve been home. I’m not in the danger zone, where they’re worried my brain is going offline. I know because I can tell. I know my attention span is better. I can retain information from class better than ever before. I am doing well in classes and not struggling which is a new thing for me. So things are good, yeah?
But, I have this feeling inside me just waiting. Waiting for “the other shoe to drop” as we would say in treatment. I’m waiting until I let myself go too far in my eating disorder again. Again, I’m not saying this is what I want. I’m saying, when my eating disorder takes over at times, I can’t help but think this is it. This is what screws me over. I gave in too much, because fighting against it was too hard. There’s days when I restrict or I have over exerted myself and didn’t eat enough to compensate. That’s when I know I screwed myself for the week. It’s hard to not be too hard on myself about it because then it puts me in a spiral.
I know so many people who have gone back to a higher level of care since I’ve been out, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m going to be next. Obviously, if I need to go back I will. I just don’t want it to be an option. Whether that’s my eating disorder talking or maybe even my pride. I don’t want this past year to feel as if it was a waste. But the option of going back up to a higher level of care is constantly in the back of my head. It’s ringing in my ears every time I see my dietician or physician.
I’m tired of always waiting for the other shoe to drop… Maybe this time it will be different? The other shoe won’t drop completely.
Inside My Eating Disorder 