One Year Later

Exactly one year ago was my first full day at Rain Rock. I came in on the last day of August, but was only there for about half a day. Weekends are a bit boring at Rain Rock, because they give us a break from so many groups in a day which is nice. But since I came in on the weekend I was incredibly bored and confused.

Walking into Rain Rock was probably the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done. It was new, uncomfortable, lonely, confusing (so many rules), and I didn’t know what to expect. I was in denial with how “sick” I was. I went into it believing I would only be there for 30 days. By the 2nd or 3rd night, I realized that wasn’t going to be the case. After being in residential for 2 months, then PHP for 2 more months, I have now been in out patient for 8 months.

One year later, I still feel some of the same things. And this isn’t to say, higher level of care didn’t work, it helped a lot, and I needed it to stabilize myself and learn what some of the core issues were. Which I have, but doesn’t mean that fixes everything.

One year later, I am still working through my past traumas. I am still learning how to eat enough to keep myself stabilized. I am still learning how to use other coping tools instead of restricting. I am still working with a treatment team so they can continue to monitor my weight, vitals, etc.

One year later, my migraines are worse than ever before and I’m sleeping less than I have since I was in treatment. I thought my doctors appointments would decrease, but instead they’ve only increased (thank God for health insurance).

One year later, I thought eating wouldn’t be a struggle anymore. The hardest part is accepting when I’m struggling and asking for help. Now that I have the knowledge of what eating disorders do to our physical and mental health, you would think it would scare me enough to not want to engage in behaviors. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. It depends on how strong the eating disorder voice is. It depends on if something triggered me. I get frustrated with myself though, when I do engage in a behavior because I know what it’s doing to my body. But sometimes I feel like I’m in autopilot and there’s nothing that’s going to stop me.

One year later, I am still connected with some amazing women who I was in treatment with. I didn’t know I was going to make friends when I went into Rain Rock. But you have to in order to survive there. It’s helps a lot to have friends who have been through the same process. Who understand the struggles of eating disorders and treatment centers. Who understand that you can be doing great for a few weeks and then all of sudden, you slip again. I am incredibly grateful for the friends I did made. It makes me feel less alone in this process. It makes me feel less crazy. Because honestly, if people could hear the inside of my brain sometimes, they would think I’m crazy.

One year later, I am going back to school, working for my favorite families, and managing. While I’m not to where I want to be, I am farther along than where I was a year ago.