I Am Ok.

I have an eating disorder

it is not had or did or used to

it is present tense

I am Learning

it is learning to love myself

it is learning to let others love me

it is surviving when they don’t

it is that I damn well deserve that love

I am Trying

it is trying to listen to my body

it is about ups and downs and all arounds

it is trying to give myself what I need

it is letting others give me what I need

it is trying to recognize the needs of others without hurting myself

I am Going Slowly

it is being patient and gentle with myself

it is going through the day hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute

it is not being everything to everyone not even myself

I am Accepting

it is accepting drugs as a way to heal myself

it is accepting the words depression, anorexia, bulimia as tools to describe, not label

it is accepting the help and care and fear of others

it is accepting food as a necessity not an enemy

I am Beautiful

it is beauty irrelevant of size or number or grade

I am Alive

it is fighting to remain that way

I am Pain

it is trying not to hurt myself

I am on a Journey

it is laughing, crying, cartwheeling, eating.

It is ok.

I am ok.

Andrea Smeltzer

My therapist gave me the poem above in our last session and normally I hate these kinds of things and roll my eyes at them. But I read this one and I could relate. I am learning. I am learning what triggers me, I am learning what helps, I am learning that it’s not going to be perfect. I am trying (even when it looks like I’m not). I am going slowly, because I can’t quit habits as fast as I would like. I am accepting that it isn’t linear and there are going to be ups and downs. I am alive because I am eating. I am pain because I feel things, I didn’t feel before. I am on a journey, but who isn’t?

I feel like since I went into a higher level of care almost a year ago, that it’s assumed I’m all “healed” or “recovered.” I think I thought that was what was going to happen, but that was a very unrealistic idea. I wish I was fully recovered. I wish I didn’t still restrict at times. I wish I didn’t think about restricting at most meals. I wish recovery wasn’t really hard. I wish I could skip this process. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case. Right now I can’t say I was anorexic, because I still am. And that’s OK because it’s all a process and one day I won’t be. Recovery takes years and it isn’t easy. And that’s OK.