My First Day at Residential

Friday, August 31, 2018.

My parents and I packed up the Rav with my clothes and some books and journals and drove across the mountains so I could get the treatment I needed.

I had never been to a treatment center before. I had done therapy and appointments with a nutritionist, psychiatrist, and primary physician. Three days prior I had received a phone call saying I needed to be there by Friday because a spot had opened up.

I was scared. Excited (maybe?). Full of anxiety. 

We arrived to Rain Rock just after lunch and that’s when it really hit me.

Oh my god. What am I doing? Why did I think this was a good idea? Why were my parents okay with dropping me off here? What was my team thi-nking? My anorexia isn’t that bad. 

Ha. I love that even on the day I was going to treatment, I was still trying to convince myself that my anorexia wasn’t that bad. I don’t think I was in denial. I had put off treatment all summer, that it was hard to believe it was actually happening. Not just something me and Natalie (my nutritionist) talked about.

I didn’t know it when I walked into Rain Rock that my whole world was going to change.

We went through the admission process with one of the staff members which took a while. My room was small, with a bathroom, and a closet. I had a roommate who was amazing. Everyone was so nice and welcoming.

It was almost afternoon snack time and my parents and I were left in my room for a few minutes so we could say goodbye. Even though I wasn’t on the best terms with my parents, I still cried when they were leaving. I was about to live a life without their constant presence. I was afraid. I didn’t know what to expect. You can only prepare so much for something like this when it’s your first time.

I met my therapist who was so incredible and worked so well with me and my family. My first snack was carrots and hummus. Not sure why I remember that, but I do. We did introductions at the table. Not quite sure what I said. Or what anyone else said other than their names. It was all so overwhelming. I had to learn new rules, new acronyms, new people, make sure I didn’t say anything that was TI (table inappropriate).

The rest of the afternoon I just observed. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, or who I should talk to. I would move from the couch to the fireplace and observe. Talking some if someone engaged me or if I had question about something.

It may have only been my first day, but I was in it. My parents had gone back to Bend. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t know if I wanted to know anyone. I remember dinner being really difficult. I believe there was 12 or 13 people sitting at the table. Everyone played table games. They explained it to me, and I was completely lost. I think I may have zoned out and just focused on the food because I didn’t know what else to do.

That evening (an outing we did every Friday night) was going to Walgreens and Dutch Brothers. Which was good because I needed shampoo because I didn’t pack enough. I didn’t really talk to anyone still. When we got back from the outing, we did some sort of activity, I don’t remember what it was. Then we had an evening snack.

I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. Unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to go to my room until almost 10:30pm. Once observations were over, my roommate and I hurried off to our rooms so we could go to bed. Even though I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, I wasn’t sleepy.

I remember my roommate and I talking some, getting to know each other a bit more. It was nice to have someone to talk to and it was easier one on one to start with. She was very kind and we had a good arrangement. She showered at night and I showered in the morning. She didn’t mind if I stayed up late reading with the lamp on. She also was able to explain to me how the morning schedule works and let me tell you, it was very nice to have someone tell me that I would be woken up at 6am to have my vitals checked.

On my first night at Rain Rock I wrote a letter to a friend. I stayed up pretty late either writing or reading. Sleeping in a new place is difficult for me.

As I lied in bed that night I thought:

Well, here I am. My first night at Rain Rock. I had expected to only be there for a month. I didn’t have my phone. I was away from all of my friends, my family, and my dog. What did the next day hold for me? What was I going to do? What was this next week going to be like? What was treatment going to be like? Was I going to like my therapist? Was this a big mistake? I want my own bed. I want my dog. I want to be home.

Eventually I drifted off to sleep, completing my first half day at Rain Rock.