What Was I Communicating With My ED?

My therapist says that eating disorders are a form of communication. I’ve learned that it’s been my way of communicating being hurt, sad, angry, happy, excited, nervous, stressed out, proud, etc. ED’s may have started out trying to convey an unpleasant feeling, but as time went on, it conveyed all of my emotions.

I’ve been trying to communicate with my anorexia for so long that I use it for all of my feelings. It seems easier to use it than to actually say the words that I am trying to communicate. Or at least that’s what I’ve led myself to believe. I’ve used it a lot to numb out my feelings, especially anger. I’ve never liked feeling anger. I didn’t know what to do with it other than be self-destructive. Either with self-harm or my eating disorder. An incredible woman, author, activist, Glennon Doyle wrote in her book Love Warriors that her anger is:

“the ocean. There are moments of calm and stillness and then, without warning, the disturbance begins beneath my skin, churning, gathering power until there is nothing I can do but surrender and ride it out.”

Doyle’s description of anger resonated with me on two levels. First, that’s how my ED was. It would be calm and not a huge deal at times, but then out of nowhere something would happen and I would be in a full spiral of restricting and I would just ride out the spiral. Looking back, often times it was when I was angry. Second, as I have tapped into my feelings in residential treatment, I learned how to express my anger, and again, it seemed as if it would come out of nowhere and I would just have to ride it out. The difference being, I wasn’t using behaviors. I wasn’t starving myself to numb the pain. I truly felt the pain, sat with it, and was able to verbally express it. Instead of using my ED behavior to communicate my feelings, I replaced it with words.

I’ve started taking my power back and communicating my needs, wants, and feelings. Obviously it’s still a work in progress because I’m just starting to do this. But let me tell you, it’s way better than starving myself. Some days it’s really hard. Just have to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time, and sometimes one bite at a time.